being married with kids is like being at a job interview except it's never going to end.

Nothing really offends me, but why the fuck am I afraid to offend everyone else?

If for no other reason, marry a person for their sense of humor.

I'm pretty sure I fall in love with every waitress I've ever seen.

You wanna know what's really sad, I haven't had someone else's glitter all over me in a like 5 years.

KInda caveman like, but if you cook good food for me, I will protect you with my life. I just found that out.

If I'm drunk - I can tweet. If I'm stoned, I just sit there and giggle like a bitch

Would screw a rattlesnake if you held it's fangs open.

I'm glad to see Ronni & Sammi working things out. I can tell things are gonna be different this time around.

People who laugh at everything aren't as miserable as you are. Carry on.

I married into a political family. They're kinda like child molesters that have plenty of cover up money. I'm fucked, huh?

I can't imagine being divorced being worse than this shit.

I wish whenever anyone clicked my profile pic that it would turn into a fullscreen screaming exorcist photo.

So my pee stream deflected off of my belt and onto my white shorts. And I'm around a bunch of people who suck donkey dicks. #happy4thofjuly

It's real fuckin' hard for me to feel sorry for stupid people. Republicans.

The cum stains on my shirt look like I spilled oatmeal. I mean, the oatmeal stains...

My fb account has locked me out 5 times this week. Usually, those 2 to 3 hours being locked out are the most productive of my entire day.

Just got my tooth pulled and of course I'm in love with my dentist

I like your new shoes. I'd like 'em a little better if they were behind your ears.

I've had two good days in a row now. I've officially just set myself up to either die tomorrow or lose a loved one.