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Lady in the bathroom on her cell said she was in her office, so I flushed twice because really, I have nothing better to do.
Boss will be here today. How do I make Twitter look like a spreadsheet?!
My child is running around naked in a trailer park.
I'm gonna go ahead and spend her college fund....
For the last time: it's not me, it's you. And, in the off chance that it is me; it's probably because of you.
Anorexics never bring anything worthy of stealing for lunch....
My child is the reason I get up in the mornings.
Because if I don't go to work, we have to spend the day together...
I used to fight for my right to party. Now I'm just happy if I stay up long enough to say that I was at the party...
There's nothing like sitting in a hot tub to de-stress from the day. I just wish I knew whose tub this was & where my clothes were.
What do we want? To Procrastinate!
When do we want it? Tomorrow!!!
Little kid in the daycare downstairs touched my ass. Shouldn't we split a Happy Meal first?!
Dear Twitter: my husband's avi is an egg. I think we ALL now know the answer to "who came first?"
My husband said I could remarry when he's gone.
Does "for the weekend" count?
The only 'c' word I find offensive is 'cleaning'.
"Do one thing a day that scares you" - so I checked my bank account balance. It worked.
Sheer genius putting the liquor store next to the laundromat. I may start coming here for the hell of it!
Screw you and your daily trophies. I made my own and they have chocolate inside them, so there!
It's really no surprise I have no friends
If it wasn't for Twitter, I'd be sitting here talking to my husband.
Thank you guys, I owe you!
I'm the wife that will yell "You're in luck, they have Season 2 of Glee!" to my hubs in Walmart.
For better or worse, right?
I don't think obese people should be allowed to wear Smart Cars as body armor...
I just choked on an orange, further proving my theory that my body rejects healthy foods. It's all tequila and pudding from here on out.