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Why couldn't Dane Cook be the first man on the moon? Then we'd all be happy right now.
Just ate a big pile of angry, and washed it down with some shut the fuck up and leave us alone now.
*Holds empty container* Alas poor yogurt, I knew him.
Not sure what reverse cowgirl means but I just opened this can of baked beans upside down.
Hey I just met you and this is crazy but if you play that song again the manslaughter charges I'll face will be worth it. SHUT IT DOWN!
Whenever I get tired of my house and feel like traveling, I just clean out my dresser and put a Bible in the top drawer.
7:00 - Story time
7:15 - Tell kids it’s bedtime
7:45 - Yell to get back in bed again
8:05 - EVERYONE IS CRYING
8:15 - Asleep
8:16 - Bourbon
*Shake it down, shake it down, shake it DOWN now. Shake it down, shake it down, shake it DOWN now.* Mother Goose gets her groove on.
The difficult part about being drunk at four o’clock in the afternoon is that it’s not acceptable to go to sleep right now.
Centaurs love Hopscotch.
Twister, not so much.
Canada doesn't have a president. We've got a suggestion box in our zellers, that gets read every evening.
I've already worked more in this week alone than Khloe Kardashian has in her entire life.
The only time I yell "PULL OUT!" is when I see fat people at the buffet.
Dear Lady whose kids I yelled at from the dressing room: Sorry, I thought they were my kids. But they needed it. Discipline your kids.
Telling people I'll see them in Hell is just dishonest of me. I'm just going to pretend I don't see them there either.
How many stars do I need to get before I get a power up?
I'd totally eat at a salad bar if it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
When a pale gal like me attempts to tan with Coppertone SPF 12 Dry Oil Spray, cooking directions on the bottle would be appropriate.
To all my Canadian followers,if any of you see Darryl,tell him to give me a call.*
*Dear Americans -We all know each other in Canada
I consider it a good day when I didn't get fired or hit anybody too hard.