The internet has made people who stay home on Friday nights feel important. Thanks.

Todays generation of kids are going to have awful oldies stations when they grow up.

I'm trying to decide which of these exercise bikes holds the most laundry.

I just tilted my travel mug sideways while pouring my coffee into it so it wouldn't foam up. #alcoholic

I drink a lot of vodka so I'm dehydrated the next day to where I only pee once, thus limiting my toilet paper use. That's me going Green.

If I spent as much time on Match.com as I spend on Twitter, I'd probably be married, divorced and opening up a new account by now.

People who use payphones are usually going through some sort of crisis.

I love when you look at me like you're starving.

I have a seating chart to remind me which coworkers have deceased mothers. No use making Your Mom jokes when alls they do is cry.

I'm the person who loves a song so much that I'll listen to it on repeat for as long as it takes for me to hate it.

The female orgasm is so sensitive that it can be ruined by the distant sound of Legos hitting the toy box.

There's a special place in hell for motorists who are stopped at a red light and won't move up 4 inches so I can turn into the liquor store.

Glee - The reason I can't fully support the gay community.

Who are these people who go to sleep without drugs or excessive alcohol? I bet they exercise and have sex frequently. Hate you.

Stars = Foreplay RT = Intercourse

I sleep with a fan on to drown out the sounds of a home invasion and the imminent death that would follow.

When can I begin recycling tweets I posted when my cousin and those 14 bots were my only followers?

No plastic yard furniture and everyone is thin and has all their teeth? Nice try, Busch beer commercials.

When I see an ugly girl with three or more kids I think, "You just want us to know you actually do get laid."

This probably has already been stated, but Lil Wayne is the ugliest female I've seen.