When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

Great.

My wife is on her exclamation mark.

A gentleman remembers her birthday, but forgets her age.

My mind has a dick of its own.

Ron Jeremy's in the hospital?

Yeah, I've seen this one.

So you're telling me that for $399 my iPhone can be a half-inch longer?
When is the iPenis coming out?

I hope NASA finds life on Mars and it immediately hands them lemons just for the hell of it.

I would totally support the development of a 14-year after pill.

Technically all underwear are edible if you're drunk enough.

Never forget: you are a victorious sperm.

Congratulations.

I totally hope some Russian couple found a superbaby this morning.

Good eye, Forrest Whitaker. Good eye.

If you wanna fuck, tug on my dick 2 times. If you don't wanna fuck, tug on my dick 437 times.

The NFL has its first female referee. Guess we don’t need instant replay anymore.

Ladies, if I kiss your hand, don’t mistake me for a gentleman.

I’m just smelling your fingers.

God gave you two ears and one mouth because I have two hands and one penis.

Unfortunately for me, "balls deep" and "just the tip" are the exact same thing.

Guys. I was drunk-tweeting from the Superdome and tripped over some stupid wire. In the bathroom line now. Who's winning?

I pulled out in front of someone today.

Didn’t have a choice.

Missionary.