If you're going to walk your child on a leash, don' t get all pissy at me when I stop and try to pet them.

A guy just asked me to go climb trees and drink kool aid with him. I might just bang him on this table.

I ran my first marathon this morning. Just kidding, I'm on my 3rd piece of pie.

Nobody bitched at me for offending them today, that's how I know I did twitter wrong.

Why are the girls in the tampon commercials dancing and laughing? Shouldn't they be bitching and crying and burning shit down.

In honor of St. Paddy's day, I'll be celebrating all weekend, barfing green tomorrow and Sunday! Who says it can only be celebrated 1 day.

It's finally February! Valentines Day can suck it! I'm just looking forward of the return of The Walking Dead!

It's Friday! Quit your bitchin and get wasted, shitfaceded.

I made a drinking game out of twitter. Anytime someone asks for RT's or favorites I take a shot.

I wouldn't do a damn thing for a klondike bar but I'd fuck a monkey for another one of those Cadbury chocolate cream eggs.

Camouflage condoms: They will never see you cumming.

I'm at the bar in the bathroom. Who wants an #ff on the bathroom stall??

Is it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says your hair smells nice?

I'm not saying she's a whore. I'm just saying she's been on more weiners than ketchup.

Some days I feel like throwing in the towel but then that would mean I'd have to do more laundry.

I'm not calling you a whore, I'm calling you a penny. Cuz you're two-faced. worthless and in everybodys pants.

#FF my faves @mudcat93 @matt_mass @harleynmo @sam_dean_luv @thetrashman74 @camand78 @mmamyke @pufferpuff76 @bigbadbrudaddy @mechkat

While walking home, I came face to face with a deer. It took everything in me not to try and ride Bambi home.

I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

When I say "Have a great day!" what I really mean to say is "Suck it!"