Dear hot chicks on Twitter,

DO NOT post pics of your boyfriends. Keep the fantasy going.

Thank you,
Every guy on Twitter

"We met on Twitter." Said no normal happy couple ever.

If I'm into a woman I will woo her to get her. Once I get her I keep wooing. The wooing should never stop fellas. Women deserve to be wooed.

Funny women are sexy.

We don't have the time to say full words in #Boston. Deal with it. pic.twitter.com/aolXNXVR

How come every time I turn on MTV some douchebag or slut is either fighting or crying?! Or fighting and crying??? WTF? Where's Bill Bellamy?

Women, animals & kids. You never hurt them ever. Killing kids? I hope that sick fuck gets raped in hell by the devil's pitchfork every day.

If you don't tweet for awhile I just unfollow you assuming one of your Twitter stalkers murdered you.

Nothing more disappointing than a chick who takes a pic of her feet near a pool. All or nothing honey. That's what we want.

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those that dunk fries in ketchup and those that pour ketchup on the fries. I don't trust pourers.

I don't give a shit about those "cute" shapes that some asshole hipster made in your coffee this morning. For the record.

Patriots bye week is the saddest Sunday of the season.

Little girls tell lies. Real women tell the truth. There's the difference.

It's Twitter. You're either funny, hot or a celebrity. You have no other options. Deal with it.

Even the women you think are normal are crazy.

What am I thankful for? I'm thankful I'm not dating anyone batshit crazy.

I don't trust women who only use profile pics from 5-10 years ago.

I have a plan. I don't need you to believe in it. I need you to believe in me.

Dirty girls go to dirty bars to do dirty things with dirty guys. That's the circle of life Simba.

Smart chicks are sexy.