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If I had known the difference between anecdote and antidote, my friend Bobby would still be alive
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
DId you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
I quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone.
My wife and I have decided we don't want children. So if you know of anyone that wants some, we can drop them off tomorrow.
As I was out walking today, a beautiful women passed by. Our eyes met. Hers were saying "Don't say a word to me 'til you've dropped 50 lbs."
Osama's dead and I've lost a follower. Coincidence?
I'm not depressed. I'm paralyzed by hope.
I found out I was conceived down the street from where I grew up, so the saying is true that most accidents occur within 2 miles from home
I asked my wife what she would do if she woke up and found that I had died in my sleep. "Cover your face with a pillow to make sure."
I'm not a Republican, but I'm saving up to be one
I couldn't ever stab someone. I'm terrible with juice boxes
I was homeless for awhile. I didn't want anyone to know, so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster
Maria Schriver, your relationship status has been terminated
Her: "I'm not leaving this bar with a perfect stranger." Me: "What if I told you I wasn't perfect?"
I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
"I like cheese, but it's just too much work." The inventor of spray cheese
I don't make the bed for the same reason I don't tie my shoes when I take them off
I was going to join the debate team in college, but someone talked me out of it
I hate travelling. I think it's because my Dad used to beat me with a globe
Father, Husband, Civil Servant. Interests include Travel, Social Media, History, Fitness, Food, and Sports. And one more thing...I love EVERYONE!!!