If I had known the difference between anecdote and antidote, my friend Bobby would still be alive

I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.

DId you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

I quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone.

My wife and I have decided we don't want children. So if you know of anyone that wants some, we can drop them off tomorrow.

As I was out walking today, a beautiful women passed by. Our eyes met. Hers were saying "Don't say a word to me 'til you've dropped 50 lbs."

Osama's dead and I've lost a follower. Coincidence?

I'm not depressed. I'm paralyzed by hope.

I found out I was conceived down the street from where I grew up, so the saying is true that most accidents occur within 2 miles from home

I asked my wife what she would do if she woke up and found that I had died in my sleep. "Cover your face with a pillow to make sure."

I'm not a Republican, but I'm saving up to be one

I couldn't ever stab someone. I'm terrible with juice boxes

I was homeless for awhile. I didn't want anyone to know, so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster

Maria Schriver, your relationship status has been terminated

Her: "I'm not leaving this bar with a perfect stranger." Me: "What if I told you I wasn't perfect?"

I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

"I like cheese, but it's just too much work." The inventor of spray cheese

I don't make the bed for the same reason I don't tie my shoes when I take them off

I was going to join the debate team in college, but someone talked me out of it

I hate travelling. I think it's because my Dad used to beat me with a globe