@robdelaney I like to think there's a full PR team at @walmart figuring out if/how to respond to this.

My Twitter feed rejoices in the streets, while my Facebook feed trudges slowly to that sad Charlie Brown music.

Every time I get on Facebook now, I have to fight the urge to put my status as, "I kind of hate all of you." #realtalk

Pope- "I have decided to step aside due to--" *nudges box sets of Breaking Bad & The Wire behind podium with toe* "--health concerns."

That poor weeping NC ginger will be a meme within the hour. #KUbball

A guy honked & flipped me off on my bike. With my bike bell, the worst I could do was Hector Salamanca the shit out of him. #ding

The graphic artist's version of "I read Playboy for the articles" is "I watch interracial porn for the contrast."

BTW, any national figures with big embarrassing news to release should do it right now, when you can slide it quietly through the mail slot.

Somebody must've written "Don't ever change!" next to Kansas' HS yearbook pic in 1962. #election2012 #antidiscrimination

Wife had never heard "Gangnam Style." I put it on repeat as I taped her to the computer chair & whispered softly, "This is our Beatles."

The brown M&M is such a raging cuntwaffle.

Severe weather in Kansas always means tornado deaths in Oklahoma.

The outlets judge me when I'm on the toilet. http://t.co/6aLvSrl4

Every time I see someone who isn't funny, I'm like "Ha ha! I bet you had a healthy relationship with your father! Fag."

We're lashed to a floating space rock hurtling around a burning gas monster, so yeah, some crazy shit goes down here once in a while.

Hey Norman! Free comedy via half-squatch @dcpierson & rejected Weasley twin @spencerlenox tonight!  http://tmblr.co/Z-0OKyjUyl-A  #promotion

I made this because sportsmanship is important, guys. #watchus pic.twitter.com/KqhBjGdxxs

Looking for some sort of post-snow celebration? I'll be hosting at @loonybinwichita all weekend, 7:30 & 10. Come on out!

Chocolates for my lover? Meh. A comedy show with @sexyfatfunny @funnymrbiggs @chancecomical @dannyparty & @dillonnarcisi? THAT'S hot.

Guys, EVERYONE'S getting laid in Olympic village right now. Even the Greco-Roman wrestlers, with whom it NEVER looks consensual.