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My Twitter feed rejoices in the streets, while my Facebook feed trudges slowly to that sad Charlie Brown music.
Every time I get on Facebook now, I have to fight the urge to put my status as, "I kind of hate all of you." #realtalk
Pope- "I have decided to step aside due to--" *nudges box sets of Breaking Bad & The Wire behind podium with toe* "--health concerns."
A guy honked & flipped me off on my bike. With my bike bell, the worst I could do was Hector Salamanca the shit out of him. #ding
The graphic artist's version of "I read Playboy for the articles" is "I watch interracial porn for the contrast."
BTW, any national figures with big embarrassing news to release should do it right now, when you can slide it quietly through the mail slot.
Wife had never heard "Gangnam Style." I put it on repeat as I taped her to the computer chair & whispered softly, "This is our Beatles."
The brown M&M is such a raging cuntwaffle.
Severe weather in Kansas always means tornado deaths in Oklahoma.
Every time I see someone who isn't funny, I'm like "Ha ha! I bet you had a healthy relationship with your father! Fag."
We're lashed to a floating space rock hurtling around a burning gas monster, so yeah, some crazy shit goes down here once in a while.
Guys, EVERYONE'S getting laid in Olympic village right now. Even the Greco-Roman wrestlers, with whom it NEVER looks consensual.
Graphic Designer, News Producer, Fledgling Comic, Grade-B Lover