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Tweets are better read than said.
I saved people’s lives by not becoming a doctor.
Guys, and I’ve said this before, but seriously, my mom? I’m afraid the joke’s on YOU.
So tired you can barely move your fingers to type something kind of clever? There's a nap for that.
From my lack of tweets I realize I'm more of an observer than a tweeter. I'm pretty sure this applies to my social life as well...
I can’t wait until I hear the words “Seacrest OUT. Of the closet.”
If you wanna star me, don't take it back. It hurts my feelings. Think long and hard before you star me and- HAHAHALONGANDHARD OK UN-STAR ME.
I don’t eat red meat. Those poor Native Americans have suffered enough already.
I folded a fitted sheet. Then Brad Pitt showed up and we made out. And then FUCKING DiCaprio showed up.
Conan O'Brien just got paid $45 million to quit his job. And with that, he's become Twitter's new hero.
And I was like "OMG these bitches are so judgemental" and he was like "Ma’am, this is a church".
WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?!
To seem rich, I keep my wallet feeling heavy by asking for my change in change.
Birds right now: "DEATH TO AMERICA"
And you just KNOW how they're going to get their revenge.
It scares me that we now live in a world where it's necessary to write the word 'true' before 'fact'.
I despise you, but I'm not in despise with you.
Guys, if you only star the tweets you read on Favstar, you're doing it wrong.
I met a guy who said he sometimes eats ice cream sandwiches for lunch. We've eloped.
Just had a conversation with my mother only dogs could hear.
Me: "It's nice to see an old face."
Her: "We've never met before."
Me: "I know."
You people are ruining my social skills.
I like it.
I'll never be as funny as the greats but goddammit I have the right to keep pathetically trying. My twitter niche is 'resident tv addict' and proud OF it.