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Tweets are better read than said.
I saved people’s lives by not becoming a doctor.
Guys, and I’ve said this before, but seriously, my mom? I’m afraid the joke’s on YOU.
So tired you can barely move your fingers to type something kind of clever? There's a nap for that.
From my lack of tweets I realize I'm more of an observer than a tweeter. I'm pretty sure this applies to my social life as well...
If you wanna star me, don't take it back. It hurts my feelings. Think long and hard before you star me and- HAHAHALONGANDHARD OK UN-STAR ME.
I can’t wait until I hear the words “Seacrest OUT. Of the closet.”
I don’t eat red meat. Those poor Native Americans have suffered enough already.
I folded a fitted sheet. Then Brad Pitt showed up and we made out. And then FUCKING DiCaprio showed up.
Conan O'Brien just got paid $45 million to quit his job. And with that, he's become Twitter's new hero.
And I was like "OMG these bitches are so judgemental" and he was like "Ma’am, this is a church".
WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?!
To seem rich, I keep my wallet feeling heavy by asking for my change in change.
Birds right now: "DEATH TO AMERICA"
And you just KNOW how they're going to get their revenge.
It scares me that we now live in a world where it's necessary to write the word 'true' before 'fact'.
I despise you, but I'm not in despise with you.
Guys, if you only star the tweets you read on Favstar, you're doing it wrong.
I met a guy who said he sometimes eats ice cream sandwiches for lunch. We've eloped.
Just had a conversation with my mother only dogs could hear.
Me: "It's nice to see an old face."
Her: "We've never met before."
Me: "I know."
You people are ruining my social skills.
I like it.
I'll never be as funny as the greats but goddammit I have the right to keep pathetically trying. My twitter niche is 'resident tv addict' and proud OF it.