Hey! Today is the 3rd anniversary of when @realjohngreen called me and asked me to marry Phil! http://t.co/EhJyZmbV #nerdfighters #DFTBA

Nobody I have sent this to has laughed. Today is the worst day. pic.twitter.com/l2UEt5RaZT

The worst thing about Twitter is deciding which of your commas to sacrifice to the character limit.

If the point of taking away Google reader is for me to say, "Well, I guess I HAVE to use Google+ NOW, you got me, Google!" ... still no.

My thighs are killing me. I've bitched so constantly all day, you'd think I actually went to the gym instead of just got on top for once.

We found this recipe, like, two weeks ago, and have made it ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES since then.  http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dinner/5-minute-brown-butter-chicken-and-crispy-sage.html …

Sometimes my scar stings which, if I understand correctly, means that my OB just killed a muggle.

"It looks better with an apostrophe." -- NOT A REASON TO USE AN APOSTROPHE.

It's too early for more than a heh heh heh, but I'm penciling in a hearty laugh for later. http://t.co/lyBohR61

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THERE STILL SEEMS TO BE A GENERALLY ACCEPTED IDEA ABOUT WHAT MY PUBES SHOULD LOOK LIKE.

"All you ever talk about anymore is your KID." Well, if you ruled half as hard as she does, maybe I'd talk about you a bit, too. But alas.

Just saw c-sections referred to as the "easy way out." Ok, if you THINK ABOUT IT, there is NO easy way to take a PERSON out of a PERSON.

Are you KIDDING ME? That is a FENCE, you are DRUNK. http://t.co/S0NJHwOt

If I had a personal manifesto, it would include the rule that I will never ask "what's wrong?" on a deliberately vague Facebook status.

The problem with the slow cooker is that it makes things smell delicious well before they stop being poisonous.

And when old ladies ask your baby, "And why are you so dressed up today?" at Target, you say, "Because she is one fine ass baby, lady."

Refresher: A troll IS: one who harasses, insults you, goes out of his way to TRULY disrupt. A troll IS NOT: someone who disagrees with you.

"Yeah, yeah, but you at least trim, right?" At least? What? Even that, not okay. No, I dye it teal and call it Perry the Platybush. GET OUT.

"It's a bow. Can you say bow? Good! Can you say shoe? Yes! Dog? Yay, you! Ow, shit. No, don't say shit. No. No, stop! Damnit! Wait, no. NO!"

Basically, I think what we have all learned from @jonniker today is that no matter how you imagine your birth may go, fuck you.