I JUST KILLED A BUTTERFLY AND NOW I THINK I'M GOING TO HELL.

Wait.

No. It was a moth. Never mind, false alarm.

OJ Simpson is the World Champion of "fuck, marry, kill."

On average, I'd expect that curiosity kills a lot more people than cats each year.

Whenever I see a prostitute, I ask myself "What Would Jesus Do?"

Then I become best friends with her.

When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, "no one cares."

"I like people more when they're underground." - Hipster serial killer.

So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

If you watch porn backwards it's a touching story about two people in love who are kind enough to help each other dress after sex.

Guys, I figured out how to stop Adobe from asking me to update.

Unrelated: I need a new computer. One that hasn't been crushed by a car.

We get it - "Bacardi" rhymes with "party," "bottle" rhymes with "model," and "sex" rhymes with "text." You rappers can stop rapping now.

Wait, what do you mean I'm not allowed to have dragons in my fantasy football team?

I donated to Salvation Army to help the needy, but apparently I've just been helping hipsters make their outfits.

When a girl gives me a hard time, it's not usually the hard time I appreciate.

Do your part to fight the zombie apocalypse: Get cremated.

"You get AIDS. You get AIDS. EVERYBODY GETS AIDS!" - Oprah summarizing the plot of RENT.

"My dog days are over!" - Dyslexic atheist.

I know what every tattoo of Chinese calligraphy means:

"I'm an asshole."

Is sewage still raw if you cook it? Asking for a friend.

I passed 200 followers! And it only took 2 years of Twitter! I think I'm really getting the hang of this twittering thing.

My Google+ invite got filtered into spam by Gmail. Great business plan, Google.