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I just took a shit in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
People know marriage is optional, right?
I'm so drunk I just called my house phone from my cell & had a 10min conversation w/ myself on how I can kick my own ass.
" I would fuck Snooki for you" is the new, "I would take a bullet for you."
The only reason my debit card is worth anything at this point is because it's covered in cocaine.
That awkward moment when you see one of your "friends" kissing a girl who has licked your asshole.......
When I'm fingering a girl I like to throw up gang signs when I first get in there. To let it know I'm about to murder it.
I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."
I just watered my plants with vodka and now they're challenging me to a dance off......or I'm drunk again and it's windy in this shrub.
My neighbor knocked on my door and asked me to at least keep it down while I'm having sex. I said, "I'm home alone eating a deep dish pizza"
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My gf won't get the remote that's in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she'd be shopping already.
I'm so hungover, I just punched my cat in the face for not being a Philly cheese steak.
Sometimes I say weird things during sex, like "I love you" or "Please look into the camera and say you have agreed to this."
I just got a tear drop tattoo on my dick b/c it murdered a vagina last night.
Trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous, so I'm slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It's working, she's been staring at me
Hey, fat chick carrying around pepper spray, I know you have a salt shaker in your purse too.
To impress a girl on a 1st date, rent a Ferrari. Then drive it off a bridge & try to save her. If you can't, whatever, you drove a Ferrari.
Stand-up comedian and host of The Obnoxious Tirade Show. On the weekends I shit in grand pianos for charity.