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When I was young and full of energy, I had a hard time falling asleep. Now I could take a nap in the middle of a shower.
Note to drive-thru cashiers: no matter what you say, my parting response is always “Thanks, you too.” Please make this work.
*falls under the spell of free shipping*
Tomorrow's need to be earned by fighting today.
If he bitches about his ex, he will bitch about you.
4 people hospitalised from synthetic Weed sold from a sex shop in Pakenham.... Obviously out of towners.
My name is Zach and my roommate's name is Chad. All we need is a Spencer to move in and we'll have the douche trifecta.
If you respond 'lol wot?' to every text people start to leave you alone.
Hey! Maybe your turkey doesn’t want you sticking your hand up there.
If you're gonna drink like you don't have to work tomorrow. Might as well do some cocaine to balance shit out.
The big fat loud spic and big fat loud Italian woman i hate are working today.
My boss thinks I'm paranoid. He's behind me isn't he?
If life is like a snowdome then the jerk who owns mine shakes the fuck out of it.
Please settle a bet for me. Those big metal cases in the back of every pickup truck. They're filled with jerky, right?
I’ve seen two midgets today that weren’t in the circus, what is this, the twilight zone?
Masturbating is like playing "Spin the bottle" alone.
I always win.
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety attacks & a serious dislike for stupid motherfuckers.
Me: I don’t think your meds are working.
Her: How would you know?
Me: You’re still bothering me.
How are we spelling 'Hanukkah' this year?
Ever have so much to do you really don't know where to start?
::: Logs onto Twitter :::
Stand-up comedian and host of The Obnoxious Tirade Show. On the weekends I shit in grand pianos for charity. Instagram: marcellorose