Hey babes, it's called a landing strip, not a helicopter pad with a furry road to your asshole.

I can only assume God is a man because he made me tall, and made women wear low cut shirts.

i make sure to tweet the pictures i post on instagram because i'd never deny you the chance to tell me how terrific my bangs look

Hey Dog a little less asshole!

To shit on other people's dreams while daddy buys you yours makes you the very worst kind of person. And you're ugly too. - Buddha

I load up my coat with dynamite and go into McDonald's to let em know its still breakfast cause I said so

Floating in the aftermath with half hearted attempts. Hiding in the reality of surrender.

Growing up, I knew my friend Steve was gay because he always rolled his boogers into dick shapes.

Famous Amos sold a lot more cookies than his brother, Arsenic Carson-Rick.

My kids favorite game is 'Let's Pee in a Bowl so Daddy can Pass his Drug Screen'

I love how dogs gotta stop and show you their buttholes.

Sweety, you might want to close your mouth.. your asshole is showin'.

I'm officially Twitter Ruined
Was just followed by a guy thats into fucking dogs and he has the pics to prove in
I have no words
BLOCKED

Every time I've been robbed it's been by those filthy Spics....Ted and Frank Spic, couple of assholes.

Social cues are important in cashier work. For instance, me saying “fuck off” when you try to start a convo is a cue to stop talking.

"Fuck is you, nigga?"

-The only line of my abandoned screenplay inspired by 2002's Baby Boy.

Three day long weekend

Three days of rain

Three days on twitter

It's too late to develop a conscience after you've been caught.

When someone persists in wearing something that doesn't look right on them, it's because a person once told them "That looks great on you."

Dear Starbucks employee, if I say "large coffee", YES I MEANT A MOTHER FUCKING VENTI. No need to correct me.