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If I don't get laid on this date tonight I'm going to be pissed. I shaved my balls with a potato peeler b/c I couldn't find my razor.
When my grandma asked me why I was robbing her I didn't say anything bc I didn't want her to recognize my voice through the ski mask.
If your girlfriend finds out you were at a strip club tell her you just had to break a $20.
If you ask me to babysit your kids I'm putting them in a chicken coupe.
If A GiRl TYpEs LyKe DiZ you are allowed to ask her for her dad's credit card information so you can buy Viagra to fuck her.
If there isn't a tonsil imprint on his dick after you're done sucking it... step your game up.
When a woman says she is a "free spirit" it just means she'll let you stick a dick in her ass at a park if you're into poetry.
I only bought a dog because I needed an answer for my security questions on websites.
My dick should come with a list of side effects like those pill commercials. Warning: May cause nausea, vomiting and suicidal thoughts.
BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan is releasing 3 new movies... into a Blockbuster employees' hands.
The best part about eating Subway is you can use the footlong bag as a condom after.
Congratulations, you had $20 and bought a push up bra, but your tits look like 2 jalapeño poppers.
To boost my confidence before a date I masturbate to a pic of myself. Then fall asleep, miss the date & wake up with 1 less friend on FB.
Ask someone to borrow their Chapstick, they'll reluctantly give it to you, but you'll surprise them when using it on your asshole.
The closest I'll get to joining the mile high club is having sex with a girl in my airplane bed.
Strip clubs should make the strippers wear garlic scented perfumes so when I come home I can tell my gf I was at an Italian restaurant.
When you buy tickets to a Justin Bieber concert the ticket is printed out onto a giant dildo... which is also your seat.
The theme song from 'Mission Impossible' always plays in my head when I'm trying to leave a one night stand without waking them up.
When you drink tequila, everyday is your birthday, because you always wake up next to somebody that looks like a clown.
wonder if snakes wear Mickey Rourke skin boots.
Stand-up comedian and host of The Obnoxious Tirade Show. On the weekends I shit in grand pianos for charity.