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I only bought a dog because I needed an answer for my security questions on websites.
When I have to write a check I always put 'retarded dwarf tossing' in the memo slot.
If everything happens for a reason, why did I just punt a tube of toothpaste and yell, "Fuck tartar control!" in a supermarket?
Sometimes I say weird things during sex, like "I love you" or "Please look into the camera and say you have agreed to this."
A polite way to ask if a girl swallows is to ask her if 'she keeps the change?'
To impress a girl on a 1st date, rent a Ferrari. Then drive it off a bridge & try to save her. If you can't, whatever, you drove a Ferrari.
Do farts smell like eggs or do eggs smell like farts? Ladies, if you're looking for a deep thinker, look no further.
When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.
I guess I COULD show up for my court date, but then I'd miss out on a free game of hide & seek. Only a moron would turn a free game down.
On so much Xanax at work that a coworker just asked me if I got an email from a client & I stared at them for 2 mins & replied "Im a potato"
Whenever my neighbor's wife sees me having sex through the window I do the Babe Ruth point to her, so she knows she's next.
The theme song from 'Mission Impossible' always plays in my head when I'm trying to leave a one night stand without waking them up.
When I'm fingering a girl I like to throw up gang signs when I first get in there. To let it know I'm about to murder it.
Lindsay Lohan only drinks & does drugs so she has an excuse for all the dicks that get stuffed in her ass.
My favorite sexual position is the "Duck." It's where I take you to the park and throw bread at your feet in front of your family.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a prostitute, so my dad would pay attention to me.
I blew such a big load last night on my girlfriend that she looked like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters after he killed the marshmallow man.
Boss asked me why I was late. I said for the same reason I always am. I was rocking back & forth in my shower while biting down on a towel.
Stand-up comedian and host of The Obnoxious Tirade Show. On the weekends I shit in grand pianos for charity.
