A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one

Gas stations will now start Showing PORN movies at the pumps so that You can watch someone else get screwed the same time that YOU do!

I was thinking about becoming a Historian, until I realized there was no future in it

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

Movie Truth:

If you are outnumbered in a martial arts fight, enemies attack one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

What's the difference between a woman's G spot and a golf ball? ... A man will look for 30 minutes for a golf ball.

Now I know I've been married a looooong time.

Me: Entering the bathroom lifts skirt to show no panties.

Him: Yo gonna piss on the floor?

Went to see my doctor. He said I had to stop masturbating! I asked 'Why?', he replied 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'

Damn he's HOT

I'm easy to get hard with

'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." ... After dinner talk with the kids

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

A man has a 30 yr mortgage, a 5 yr car lease, a lifetime membership at the gym, and he's afraid of commitment? What gives?

Ladies, you know you're getting older when you put on your bra and your "headlights" need an alignment ...

Cannibals are such a polite group, they leave the table only when everyone's eaten.

Viagra will soon be in liquid form. A man can pour himself a stiff one.

Gives new meaning to 'cocktails', 'highballs' and 'stiff drink'.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

Now I am very confused .... :-/

Types of ASSES:

(_!_) Normal

(!) Tight

(__!__) Fat

(_$_) Rich

(_B_) Bitch

(_x_) Kiss

(_?_) Stupid

(_E=mc2_) Smart

Joke: Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran wrap underwear.

The psychiatrist's says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Just think, if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey ... we'd all be having a piece of ass next week!