Hubby was whining about not getting "any". What the hell's he doing with his "Hooker Allowance?" Hope he's not spending it on food or gas!

Excuse me while I run next door for a minute.... Had to put my empty booze bottles in their recycle bin... God those people drink alot.

I want one of those
"God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers.
If I get into a wreck, I can run around yelling,
"THE ONE TIME I LET HIM DRIVE!"

Humor is the "spare room" that we shove everything into, so no one actually sees the real mess that our life truly is.
I need a bigger room.

Some days, listening to great music, is all you need to put life into perspective.

Turn it up....breathe it in, and repeat as needed.

Just because there's no football, I'm not quitting my Sunday ritual of popping my first beer at 10:00 am.

Figure skating works too.

Now when a Bill Collector calls I sadly ask if they are hiring then burst into tears & yell

"KIDS EAT YOUR WATER SOUP OR IT'll GET COLD!"

Shout out to all the nurses sucking down Marlboros,
in the Hospital parking lot.

If you think you don't make a difference by being here, ANY escape from Incredible sadness even for a moment, can make a difference to some.

My favorite Mumford And Sons song, is the one where Aunt Esther smacks Lamont upside the head with a bible, then Fred fakes a heart attack.

My Native American name is: "Little Blonde Biker Bitch Who Falls Face First In Casino Parking Lot After 10 Shots Of Tequila.....Again.".....

Ok, the husband just yelled from the kitchen,

"WHAT CHANNEL IS THE TOASTER SET ON?"

Welcome to my main reason for "day drinking."

"OMG MOM! When did dad turn into such an overprotective jerk?"

"19 yrs ago a Dr. gave him some bad news."

"What bad news?"

"It's a girl."

I should be able to have someone arrested for assault,
when they are trying to shove their Religion down my throat.

My man is watching some stupid Alvin & the Chipmunks movie. I wonder what porn flick switched off when he heard me coming down the hall.

I just realized my Old Navy sweatshirt, has been washed so many times it now reads,

Old V.

I'll be wearing it more often now.

If there isn't a "Papal John's" Pizza place in St. Peter's Square, well then those Catholics have no sense of humor what so ever.

I can honestly say, that was the best home cooked dinner, I've drank in ages.

I told my husband "I might run off with a random Twitter admirer," and all he said was
"Can you fix me something for dinner first?"

I think it's sad, that
Honey Boo Boo's younger brother,
"Runny Doo Doo"
hardly gets noticed at all.