3yo: "There are poop people in the toilet!"

Me: "?"

3yo: "They came from my butt!"

3 is apparently the ideal age for twitter.

3yo: YAWN.

Me: "You sleepy?"

3yo: "No. I just had to let some of the tired out of my mouth."

First rule of STFU Club:

"Is that a picture of you when you were younger?"

"Every picture of me is when I was younger."

Top 5 Reasons Apple Won't adopt Flash for iPhone/iPad:

5. Whatever.
4. Who cares?
3. Eating a sandwich.
2. Gimme my iPad.
1. Your Mom.

Kids are singing "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.

Excuse me. I have to go remind them that they're worthless and weak.

Whoever invented the spork can eat me.

Unless you are using a spork.

Then you can't eat a damn thing.

Me to 3yo eating a popsicle: "Yum. What flavor is that?"

"Popsicle!"

This is the future, where everything is meta.

My to-do list says "weed."

Today is going to be awesome.

Remember when The Fonz would come bursting through the door and everyone shouted "Norm!" That always made me laugh.

Me to 3yo looking through telescope: "What do you see in there?" 3yo: "I see a telescope." He's either way smarter or way asser than me.

Overheard at the playground: "Daddy, when you're done smoking can you play with me?"

Passive aggressive little twerp.

Thankfully if this guy is convicted of a felony he’ll still be able to buy a gun without a background check.

Dude. The further you sit from your buddy in the movie theater, the gayer I think you are.

Now get over here so we can snuggle.

Remember when the President used to be able to talk to kids directly through the fillings in their teeth?

Those were the days.

Me to 3yo: "Did you need something, bud?"


3yo: "I was looking for you."

Me: "Oh. Did you find me?"

3yo: "No."

Me: "Okay."

102 degrees in Seattle?

Wow. That's like 714 in dog degrees, right?

OMG Tracy Morgan just killed three people & self on the #emmys!

Bad timing, Hostess. Did you not hear we just legalized pot?

12yo: "I'm singing!" Opens mouth. Sound of Pop Rocks. "It's my unique blend of Pop and Rock."

He's underage, so I get to steal from him.