I like vending machines. They're never like, "Here comes that Mexican again with his damned nickles."

When someone pounds on the wall of my hotel room, does it mean they want me sing louder or just a different Kelly Clarkson song?

If you remove, stretch out, and place side-by-side the small intestines of an 18-yr-old male and 40-yr-old male; you go to jail for sure.

A big red zit showed up on the tip of my nose and was like, "HEY! Are we gonna nail that big presentation tomorrow or what?"

Keep scrolling. This one sucks too.

I'm glad the young lady next to me fell asleep so that she can fart without feeling embarrassed.

Sometimes I light the Bat-Signal and, when Batman answers it, I turn it off really fast. Because I get so nervous.

I drafted a tweet about my insecurities, but I didn't think you guys would like it.

Lady, I'm as upset as you are that I need to take the seat beside you. There's a reason it is the last empty seat on the bus. Let's reflect.

The Space Cowboy is my father.

You can call me the Gangster of Love.

I told my kids that Santa Claus is coming tonight. And if he finds them awake, he will murder them.

Wife & I posted the same pic of our kid on FB. If the difference in # of "likes" is an indication, she's getting our friends in a divorce.

I've started involuntarily replying "Impossible" after someone says "Have a nice day" to me.

When I die, I hope my FB friends post a lot of messages. Else I'll be like,

WHY CAN'T I REST?

I HAVE NO PEACE!

WILL NO ONE MISS ME?

Wife: Let's have the neighbors over for dinner.

Me: Sure.

Wife: And we'll play a game...

Me: SLOW DOWN! THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

After the kids finished singing, someone at the back of the church loudly said, "That wasn't good at all."

I eat when I'm bored. I've been bored for about five pounds lately.

Sometimes I get a few stars on a tweet, so I get excited & go read it to my wife. She replies, "That's funny," in her mom voice.

I don't know why people still talk to me while I'm repeatedly burping. People are *so* gross.

Based on how clean their rooms are, my kids are going to leave my Depends on for the maximum time allowable by law when I'm old.