When someone pounds on the wall of my hotel room, does it mean they want me sing louder or just a different Kelly Clarkson song?

I like vending machines. They're never like, "Here comes that Mexican again with his damned nickles."

Keep scrolling. This one sucks too.

If you remove, stretch out, and place side-by-side the small intestines of an 18-yr-old male and 40-yr-old male; you go to jail for sure.

A big red zit showed up on the tip of my nose and was like, "HEY! Are we gonna nail that big presentation tomorrow or what?"

Lady, I'm as upset as you are that I need to take the seat beside you. There's a reason it is the last empty seat on the bus. Let's reflect.

I drafted a tweet about my insecurities, but I didn't think you guys would like it.

After the kids finished singing, someone at the back of the church loudly said, "That wasn't good at all."

I'm glad the young lady next to me fell asleep so that she can fart without feeling embarrassed.

They end some songs by just lowering the volume; but when I end conversations like that, people look at me like I'm weird.

Wife: Let's have the neighbors over for dinner.

Me: Sure.

Wife: And we'll play a game...

Me: SLOW DOWN! THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

Wife & I posted the same pic of our kid on FB. If the difference in # of "likes" is an indication, she's getting our friends in a divorce.

I've started involuntarily replying "Impossible" after someone says "Have a nice day" to me.

I hit the pause button on an argument my wife and I were having last week. She just unpaused it. I didn't know she could do that.

Sometimes I light the Bat-Signal and, when Batman answers it, I turn it off really fast. Because I get so nervous.

Whenever the kids have a donut, the missis takes a bite before them so they understand taxes.

My ability to hold a grudge tells me I should be shopping for a house to haunt.

Got front row seats at the symphony where one could clearly hear my 6yo ask, "WHEN will this be OVER?"

Saying "cool" is the only active listening tool I have.

I eat when I'm bored. I've been bored for about five pounds lately.