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I'm working on being a nicer person. Did that sound sincere?
People think it's weird I let my puppy kiss me on the lips. I don't see her as a dog, she's my baby & she can kiss me whenever she wants.
Some people call it regifting, I call it, giving away shit I never wanted in the first place. You're right, regifting sounds better.
I'm the Kanye West of comedy.
Why don't we go back to when you had to have a talent to be on TV?
I've decided I no longer want to be gay. I'm giving my two week notice tomorrow.
If your first instinct is to call the cops we probably aren't a good match.
Just saw a Buick and had no trouble believing it was a Buick.
If you swim with shit don't be surprised when you get mistaken for a turd.
Are you still talking.
I hate when people tell me I've changed. I've always been this big of a cunt you're just getting to know me better.
The comics at this open-mic are on stage telling war stories. Long story short they suck and they're the ones that care about these stories.
I'm an openly gay comedian. But comedy is just a ruse my real goal in life is to become a hero to overprivileged white women the world over.
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