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I'm working on being a nicer person. Did that sound sincere?
People think it's weird I let my puppy kiss me on the lips. I don't see her as a dog, she's my baby & she can kiss me whenever she wants.
I'm the Kanye West of comedy.
Why don't we go back to when you had to have a talent to be on TV?
If your first instinct is to call the cops we probably aren't a good match.
Just saw a Buick and had no trouble believing it was a Buick.
If you swim with shit don't be surprised when you get mistaken for a turd.
Are you still talking.
I hate when people tell me I've changed. I've always been this big of a cunt you're just getting to know me better.
The comics at this open-mic are on stage telling war stories. Long story short they suck and they're the ones that care about these stories.
It's never too late to decide you like yourself and act accordingly.
I'm an openly gay comedian. But comedy is just a ruse my real goal in life is to become a hero to overprivileged white women the world over.
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