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I'm working on being a nicer person. Did that sound sincere?
People think it's weird I let my puppy kiss me on the lips. I don't see her as a dog, she's my baby & she can kiss me whenever she wants.
Why don't we go back to when you had to have a talent to be on TV?
If your first instinct is to call the cops we probably aren't a good match.
I hate when people tell me I've changed. I've always been this big of a cunt you're just getting to know me better.
The comics at this open-mic are on stage telling war stories. Long story short they suck and they're the ones that care about these stories.
Gonna shower with this door unlocked. If somebody breaks in and rapes me they deserve it for the lucky guess...
Being around people on cocaine makes me uncomfortable.
Every lesbian I've ever met has one man they would have sex with. That man is usually Justin Timberlake.
Sometimes I really hate a part of the audience. Tonight's second show was one of those times.
My electricity was out for the last 20 minutes. I have a whole new respect for homeless people.
I'm an openly gay comedian. But comedy is just a ruse my real goal in life is to become a hero to overprivileged white women the world over.