“Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....
Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”

If you’re going down on a woman and she tightens every muscle and arches her back, then you ARE DOING IT RIGHT!

They should replace The Statue of Liberty’s book with an iPad so she can play Angry Birds.

Hey women breast feeding in public... What's with you not winking back??

Is it bad that I refer to alcohol as "pain go bye bye juice?"

I think there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

"damn it" - When your not quite mad enough for "Fuck it".

When I was young, I was a magician. I turned a whole student loan into beer.

According to my now EX gf, anal beads are not supposed to be pulled like you're starting a chain saw. Who knew>>

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Crap, didn't I just do this "get up and go to work" stuff yesterday???

If you’re going down on a woman and she quits breathing, THEN you are doing it right!!!

Sex Ed. when you're home-schooled must be a treat.

Have you ever been driving to work only to end up in front of the liquor store and not remember how you got there. Yea, me neither!

OK, never ever play with rubber bands while you are naked!!!

Drinking vodka from a Disney Collector cup... I'm badass!!

In honor of the Rapture today, I am tying balloons together in the shape of people, putting a t-shirts on them and let them float away!

You are the only man that has ever given me an erection. Me to pharmacist while buying viagra

My co-workers no longer ask “Are you behaving?’ Now they just ask “Have you gotten caught yet?”

Me on facebook: "uggh, just had to have prostate exam!"

Me on twitter: " Come on doc, make me sing!!"