Hey, don't call me creepy, I was hiding here with a camera way BEFORE you came in and started pooping.

Kids, I want you all to remember this: there's always semen in amusement.

It doesn't snow where I live, but I still could use a little plowing.

Question that made my Sunday teacher mad: "Which part of Jesus am I eating?"

It's going to be an awkward Thanksgiving.My boyfriend is coming over. My parents don't like him that much. Neither does my husband.

In high school, my father warned me to stay away from white boys because they only wanted one thing from me--to copy my math homework.

Having a husband is like having an enemy with benefits.

I like making fun of horses by telling them they look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Like the rest of my fellow Americans, I associate Glade with the smell of shit.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Valentine's Day. He answered for my husband to die.

"If you think my boobs are huge, you should see my penis." #howtoloseaguyin10seconds

Bad: running into my ex-boyfriend.
Worse: running into my ex-boyfriend wearing the same dress as I am

To be honest, the only thing I like about skinny women is that they're never in front of me in a Krispy Kreme line.

Don't get your panties in a wad, I didn't call you a beast, I called you "obese."

So desperate for some action, I might just crash a frat party and roofie my own drink tonight.

Happily married to a handsome man, mother to 3 beautiful children. Ok, I lied. I'm single and barren and live with a shitload of cats.

My grandma warned that boys only want one thing from me. So I hid my PlayStation 3.

Being a woman has its disadvantage, for instance, I can't jack off my eggs into a cup for $100.

I keep telling myself to buy the Favit app, but every time I have $30 on me, I end up with 90 chicken McNuggets instead.

My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. I'm coping pretty well. Just sitting here watching Lifetime and drinking nacho cheese.