Life is like a box of chocolates. Unbearable darkness in our own seperate walled prisons, we can only see our true brothers as we go to die.

Be nicer to fat girls. We're not far from serious advances in diet technology, and elephants never forget.

Christians hate gay people because gay people are way cooler than Christians.

Just once in a restaurant I'd like to hear: "Do you have any vegan options?" "Yeah. You can go home."

I should date an ugly guy. Ugly guys try harder. Bless their ugly little hearts.

If Sarah Jessica Parker accepted money for sex, she'd be a whorse.

Hey, quit talking to me like I know things about Passover. I'm Jewish in the same way that Taco Bell is a Mexican restaurant.

You want an inspirational tweet? The more weight you lose, the more likely something is to sleep with you.

The apocalypse is just like a woman. It never comes.

I have no idea what Chinese people eat for breakfast because Panda Express doesn't open until lunch.

Being intelligent means never having to say, "Your sorry."

I'm divorced. Divorced Russian accent you've ever heard.

Swimsuit issues? You and me both, Sports Illustrated.

Every time a guy catches me picking my nose at a red light I flash him so he only remembers the second part.

It's hard to be funny all the time. It's funny to be hard all the time.

Men give necklaces as gifts because they're an excuse to look at our boobs.

The sexiest thing a guy ever said to me was, "I'm going to fuck you until you think Pluto is still a planet."

If you have a vagina and you don't ever use it for evil, I don't know what is wrong with you.

There's good news and bad news. Good news: There is no bad news :) Bad news: There is no good news :(

When I look deep in your eyes, I see that you're the guy who let a fat girl suck his dick once.