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im considered a really bad driver in Arizona because im Asian, a woman, and I snort cocaine off the steering wheel but in LA I fit right in!
People tell me: U get 2 upset over small things, and all I'm thinking is WHY CAN'T YOU TYPE OUT THE WORDS "YOU" AND "TO"?!?!?!
I don't thank people who give me a lot of stars because you're SUPPOSED TO DO THAT ANYWAYS
Why do people reassure us that their tweets are just jokes? Like I actually thought you robbed a bank or have touched a real vagina before.
Just wasted 3 seconds of my life reading an inspirational tweet. Fuck everything.
"You're too pretty to be single."
"You're too ugly to be saying that to me."
When men lose interest, they just ignore us expecting us to get the hint, but we're women, so we don't - me, talking to my 4 year old niece
Socrates: questioned everything, was hated by society, and slept in a barrel. The original hipster.
According to facebook, once you turn 40 years old you must change your profile picture to a photo of your dog.
White dudes with tribal tattoos are compensating for small penises.
Isn't it funny how when a family member dies you're like "ehhh" but when your favorite character on a CW show dies you're like "NOOOOO!!"
The creepiest thing in the world is when my niece sings "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while staring at me and pulling the heads off her barbies.
Yes, stolen tweets are annoying. But if you're going to cry about it maybe you shouldn't write free jokes on the internet.
My mom suggested we sit at the dining room table for dinner. Then we laughed and laughed and continued watching TiVo and ignoring each other
That moment when you think you started your period but you just peed your pants.
The moment your follower count surpasses the person you looked up to when you first started. And you didn't have to be a bitch to get there.
Twitter: where women make sexist jokes, men make small dick jokes, gays make homophobic jokes, and black people still hate white people.
Masturbating is great but nothing compares to the strong touch of a man doing everything wrong.
Mushroom trip. Riding a dinosaur. He is high-fiving other dinosaurs. He is the master mind behind my tweets. He looks hungry. Send help.
Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend because I look fucking awesome naked.
I might be amazing but at least I'm humble about it.