I walked out of my house today and slipped on ice. When I got up my wallet, keys, and cell phone were missing....must've been black ice

If the girl you're seeing gives you a better handjob than yourself, chances are she used to be man.

Next time you use an automatic flushing toilet, remember this: it's watching you.

Only a guy that jogs, while smoking a cigarette, truly doesn't give a fuck.

I still wonder why baseball players don't take the bases off the floor and run away with them to keep the opposing team from advancing

"Don't worry, I'm not a creep ;)" -every creep on the Internet

Asians are always swerving all over the place when they drive. To mask their bad driving skills, they say it's a skill called "drifting".

Whenever I put my gloves on, I like to give random people the "I'm gonna kill you" look just to see how they react

Waldo was probably a deadbeat dad also.

You know you fucked up when your girl aims your own cock at your face while you're cumming and yells "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!"

Her: Do you do dishes?
Me: Only if they have an orifice, otherwise I don't think its really possible.
Her: ...

I'm starting to notice that people are mistaking the restroom for a photobooth.

Whenever a dog watches their owner pick up their poop, I bet they're saying "that's right, bitch" in their head

I've always wanted to have a friend who's wearing a cop uniform yelling "FREEZE" chase me through the streets to see if anyone would stop me

If I was ever on The Price is Right, I would never show an ounce of emotion to fuck with the audience.

The hell with flying. If I were to choose my superpower, I would want the ability to stop some people from reproducing.

I usually get back at people I hate by pouring Nair into their shampoo bottle, but this guy is already bald so I dunno what the fuck to do..

For once I'd like news reporters to say that the reason the house caught on fire is because the home owner lost sight of the spider.

If you're gonna be on a plane on Saturday, you better hope your pilots are atheists.

Cute chick next to me in the train fell asleep on my shoulder. This means she wants to get into my pants, right?