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"I am terribly sorry but I'm going to set this bus on fire" -"Oh dear that's rather inconvenient"-"Yes I'm so sorry, I'm rioting" - London
Those waiting rooms are really uncomfortable,everybody holding their littlle cup of urine. Must always control myself not to yell "peefight"
Ok since every day of the year is a special day lately, how about we make the first warm day of the year day of wearing deodorant? please?
The problem with seeing one spider is the thought that there could be more, hiding in the shadows, waiting to strike.
I am not dead, I'm in love. Which is better than dead.
Sun, for a big ball of (mostly) hydrogen you are pretty awesome. Glad to see you shining in the sky this morning
It's amazing how grown men playing with their new smartphone have the exact same look on their face as a baby when it sees it's mother
Could all you 2012 people please go into bomb shelters with no internet access and come out again in 2013? That would be great, thank you
It doesn't help when people say that spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them. Spiders may be able to confront their fears too
I escaped the police this morning, I was speeding a bit. In fact I don't think the cop even saw me but I like to imagine I got away
I don't like this new twitter. It's confusing. I should be with the taliban, they hate all that is confusing
When someone says 'you rock' you should say 'you scissors' because rock beats scissors
If I see one more 'this vid is blocked because of copyright' I swear I will never buy a CD or DVD again and just download it.
Imagine a real conversation where somebody tells you 100 facts about themself. I think I would start the strangling around 25....
reading about teenage girls prostituting themselves for cigarettes & alcohol. Makes me so mad! Don't they know you can get Iphones for that?
New career move for me: politician. The best legal way to be a criminal.
Because tonight is the lottery, if I win I will have cake to celebrate. If not, I have cake to eat sadness away. You always win with cake...
German white wine is like angels peeing in your mouth so sweet
Can anyone buy an X-ray machine? And how long do you have to X-ray a turtle before it turns into a ninja that makes pizza?
Queen of the universe / crazy cat lady. I like to draw things, silly things
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