Upon reflection, the Lord of the Flies theme for my 8 year old's birthday party may have been a slight misstep.

I'm the girl talking and laughing really loudly next to you in every restaurant. I'm having a great fucking time, guys.

I just met the gayest baby.

My kid asked me if I "do the sex." I asked how long he's been talking like a Russian immigrant. Then we stared at each other for a while.

I totally misunderstood Casual Friday and had sex with like, five guys, from accounting (I think) in the break room.

Mama, how do you make a baby?Well, when the lady hates herself and the man is kind of funny and offers the lady alcohol...

I guess I would be impressed by your big penis if I couldn't buy one online, that like, vibrates.

It's easy to fall in love. Staying in love is the miracle. Unless it's cookies. Loving cookies would be as easy as pie! Ooh pie!

She told me frozen banana chips taste like ice cream. I hit her in the face and said punches feel just like hugs. Don't be stupid, Lisa.

Maybe Michelle Duggar just really hates getting her period.

My therapist said it's perfectly ok to text FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME LOSE SLEEP ASSHOLE to my ex at 4am. My therapist is drugs.

I ordered a double. My liver rolled its eyes, like "I'm not in the mood for your nonsense." My vagina winked at me & put on a seatbelt.

I wish napping was an acceptable date activity.

I take compliments with as much grace as a drunk three year old applying lipstick in the back of a bus.

I once wore a fancy dress w/ pearls & did mushrooms w/ a scientist! So, yeah, I've done some shit.-- 1st line of my Match profile

Cuddling is great! Until you can't sleep. Then you're like one of those wide eyed, desperate cats about to be date raped by Pepé Le Pew.

Hope the kids go easy on my son today for crying. B/c when he opens the sick lunch I packed, he is going to weep w/ joy like a little bitch.

My kid had his first baseless, awful stress dream about death. And with that, Nature gives Nurture a smug, cunty wave across the bar.

I’m invisible to this waitress! I’m leavin & comin back w/ stacks of take out, mouth full, yelling, “Big mistake! HUGE!” Pretty Woman style.

Not eating pizza is so fucking boring.