Problems are so less problemy when you're drinking.

I gave up on my aspirations to be on the cover of Parenting Magazine the moment I heard my 4 year old call the dog a douchebag.

"We really should move this into the bedroom, y'know, to get more comfortable." - me to my laptop and pint of ice cream.

That's funny, I don't remember having a complete fucking mental breakdown scheduled for today. And in public, no less.

I'm completely drunk and still knew the difference between they're/their/there, what's your excuse?

If this bottle of Bacardi had a face, I'd put my finger up to it's lips and say "shhh, don't talk, just let me love you..."

Life with a three year old is a constant game of telephone.

I don't care what day, time, or century it is, OPEN THE DOOR FOR A WOMAN.

I hate when people send cards without money in them.

BRB I'm going to go eat a Drumstick in the shower.

At some point I will believe myself when I say it's just another day and it doesn't really matter.

Dear Gym Crush:
I would really appreciate it if you checked out my ass for a little longer than usual.

Been a rough morning.

xo,
Biz

Dear kids,

I drink because you have no volume control.

Love,

Momma

I'm just a girl, sitting in front of a drink, asking it to jump into my mouth, because I'm too lazy to pick it up.

Why are butt cheeks always cold to the touch?

My daughter just laughed at a fart because I'm raising her right.

<---- gets excited from a 5-starred tweet.



Fuck you.

Sometimes I wish I were a dad so that I could sleep in and then go sit on the toilet for half an hour.

Black Mustang, license plate: The Khal.


I might need to change my panties.

Give it to me in a bread bowl so I know it's real.