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Sorry I'm late. I was trying to make other plans
Another day filled with pain & disappointment.
Let's do this!
*hits bong again*
*puts flask in purse*
Okay, now I'm ready.
*He adores her so much he retweets her even though she uses hashtags*
Please start being who I wanted you to be, or I’m going to stop faking who I am.
[Gets a collect call from jail]
Me: I gotta take this, it could be one of my followers.
Good cop: Book 'em
Bad cop: [beats suspect with War and Peace]
So apparently 'Let's Disney up this shit' isn't going to fly as our new gang slogan guys. Just fyi.
Abstractly chases sin.
The best party favor would be if they just didn’t invite me.
Nothing is more terrifying than husband and wife realtor teams.
[smuggles kittens into Olive Garden stuffed in bra]
Server: ma'am did you bring kittens in-
Me: WHEN YOU'RE HERE YOU'RE FAMILY, CARL.
Words ~ how they can mean everything and nothing.
I just used 'erect' in a non-sexual context like some sort of Ernest Hemingway
I have no clue why I'm still walking this planet much less why I write what you're reading.
I'm a nice person ....fucker.
Apparently "Punch him in the fucking throat!" wasn't an acceptable instruction to yell at my nephew during a miniature golf game.
If your phone is the size of a cookie sheet & I'm sitting behind you, I will read the text fight you're having & enjoy every minute
Sometimes, words are just bones with all the meat ripped off.
There are 2 types of people in this world. You should avoid both types of people
A horrible person, sarcasm specialist & part-time photographer. The Snuggle bear needs to die. Instagram / Flickr same name. I've been blocked by @snooki.
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