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I can’t fully trust someone .....
until I see them laugh at other people.
There's no "I" in team but there's a "cow" in coworker.
Think how great it would be if we were fine not trusting someone.
Ladies, the best way to remind us is "you didn't forget to do whatever right?" that way we can say "of course not" & then go do it...
Embarrassing myself on social media is just one of my endearing qualities
"May peace be with you"
Don't threaten me.
People who follow you & then unfollow you and do this more than 3 times are also in self destructive codependent relationships
The truth hurts.
But not as much as being lied to, being misled, being unappreciated, being used, taken advantage of or taken for granted.
"I think I'm handling this pretty well Mom, don't you think?"
* His whole life flashes before my eyes *
Yes, my baby. Yes you are.
the afterlife was invented to give us some respite from the reality that this shit never stops
If you can't be happy with what you have, you'll be unhappy with what others have.
....And that's a lot of unhappiness.
Bad news: it's the "Big C."
Oh my God! I have cancer, doctor?
No, I just calculated my GPA from med school. What's "cancer," is it gross?
I'll be a better person tomorrow.
*aggressively doesn't care*
Slow clap for those people who have made me more cynical and jaded. I really didn't think it was possible.
Self-depreciating dudes with low self esteem who manage to be astoundingly pompous at the same time. Explain yourselves.
Nobody wants to see your dick, guys. Seriously. Not one person.
Maybe today will be the day that the Internet will fix all your problems.
You only retweet ones you like after enough people do it first?
...fuck outta here.
Some days I just don't feel like being funny.
A horrible person, sarcasm specialist & an all around meanie head. The Snuggle bear needs to die. Instagram same name. I've been blocked by @snooki.
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