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I will heckle you during sex if you're not doing me right.
I will not like you in a tree
I will not like you out at sea
I will not like you in a brook
I will not like you on Facebook
I'm not saying you're an idiot,
I'm typing it.
When I see someone I love mistreated - every "sweet" thing about me disappears. And then people find out just how ruthless I can be.
Sex advice on Twitter is great...assuming you never fuck anyone who has actually had sex and knows better.
If you're constantly trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, you might wanna ask yourself, 'why is my gf's vagina shaped like a square?'
The question isn't whether shit is gonna happen or not. It will. The question is how will you react when that shit happens?
Your resume says you have cab-like reflexes. Do u mean cat-like reflexes?
Me: *drunk and slowly sliding out of my chair* No
*organizes your downward spiral kick-off party*
Park Ranger: Excuse me there, do you have a permit for bow hunting?
Cupid: Oh you have got to be kidding!
Some might call it a Battle of wits - I call it
The topic of ninja midgets comes up far too frequently for us to be normal.
You. Obviously. Love. Oral.
Brain: Don't tweet that. Don't tweet that.
Thumbs: *tweets that*
"Relax. You can't be all things to all people. You're not a pizza."
- me as a therapist
"I wasn't aware of this" he said about everything.
Spoiler Alert- They don't want you, their ego wants you
When the McDonald's cashier asks me if the Happy Meal I ordered is for a boy or a girl I like to confuse them by answering transgender.
Hope is dangerous.
Figure out who you are before you start handing out advice on how others should be.
A horrible person, sarcasm specialist & part-time photographer. The Snuggle bear needs to die. Instagram / Flickr same name. I've been blocked by @snooki.
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