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Who the hell called it "incest", and not "pump kin"?
You just got punked
Your Twitter Crush
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
"Mama, why did Daddy go to meet God?"
*doesn't look up from phone*
"Ask your father"
Congrats to CVS Pharmacy for making the decision to stop selling cigarettes!
*[Tweets from Walgreens across the street]
DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCKING DUCK
~A VERY pissed off inspiratonal tweeter
I'm black but not "do the Ickey Shuffle in Starbucks" black.
Or am I?
If I'm ever in your establishment and you turn off the Sex Pistols, not only am I leaving but I'm breaking your fingers before I do.
I just wanna state how against racial and cultural stereotypes I am because...
OH MY GOD!! A nickel!!
There are 8,000 channels on my Twitter, and nothing’s on.
I might not have a twitter crush, but people get feelings for me all the time.
They're homicidal feelings, but still...
I like 80's rock and being fingered.
My girl friend texted me "...hello?" because I didn't text her yesterday, so I get it, men. I get it.
...Girls can be fucking annoying.
When you hit a nerve, you've touched the truth.
The only way you'll ever know the real me is if you are me, which you're not, so you don't.
Fact - You can kill someone with kindness by reading them inspirational tweets
Hate to break it to ya sister but NO ONE is beautiful enough to justify being a shallow, vapid, selfish bitch.
I am only vulnerable to myself.
Good thing I can't find me.
My son asked me to explain the birds and the bees, so I told him the truth. Women have bees in their vaginas.
Only 1000 more followers until I still wish I never started Twitter.
A horrible person, sarcasm specialist & an all around meanie head. The Snuggle bear needs to die. Instagram same name. I've been blocked by @snooki.