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People have told me I have a "black girl's ass" which is a relief cuz I'm pretty sure it makes up for the fact that I have "white-guy tits"
The funnier you think you are, the more your waitress hates you.
"Fuck it, no one's listening." -me in every social encounter
"Look, you're great I just can't be in a relationship right noowww...until you've boosted my ego enough to go after that other girl!" -Dudes
L.A. is a great place to subtly remind you how super replaceable you are
Once when I went to a concert alone, I stood next to the trash cans the whole time. It was pretty cool because I normally date garbage.
Hey fellas! Can't wait until all of your hip new girlfriends try to change you!
I tend to put all of my eggs into one basket, only there's just one egg and the basket has a hole in it.
Someone asked if I've been working out lately and I was like no I've just had diarrhea for like a year
HEY LONELY DUDES: wearing clothes that fit you properly will help you get the girl, I promise!
Just forget I said everything, ever.
Just realized the trick to fitting into Forever 21 jeans is slicing off your calves
This is not my 7-11 and everyone is terrifying.
ROBOT VOICE: "You are. An attractive gentleman. With whom I might enjoy...spending. Time with." - me flirting
Second time an old man asked me if I was a dancer and second time I looked away and darkly replied "Sometimes..."
Burnt Out Waitress. Comedian. Jack Tripper.
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