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"Fuck it, no one's listening." -me in every social encounter
"Look, you're great I just can't be in a relationship right noowww...until you've boosted my ego enough to go after that other girl!" -Dudes
A bee just landed directly on my crotch, stayed for a second and flew away. So I guess I just dated a bee.
L.A. is a great place to subtly remind you how super replaceable you are
People have told me I have a "black girl's ass" which is a relief cuz I'm pretty sure it makes up for the fact that I have "white-guy tits"
Hey fellas! Can't wait until all of your hip new girlfriends try to change you!
"I need a man" is what I think whenever I make too much spaghetti.
HEY LONELY DUDES: wearing clothes that fit you properly will help you get the girl, I promise!
Just forget I said everything, ever.
30 years old and I still have to sternly talk myself out of buying every giant novelty pencil I come across.
This is not my 7-11 and everyone is terrifying.
ROBOT VOICE: "You are. An attractive gentleman. With whom I might enjoy...spending. Time with." - me flirting
Second time an old man asked me if I was a dancer and second time I looked away and darkly replied "Sometimes..."
Fell for another "Deez Nuts" joke again.
All I ever really need is a good hot make-out and maybe some jeans-boner.
Someone asked if I've been working out lately and I was like no I've just had diarrhea for like a year
My favorite thing at work is when someone in a couple says "You want a latte, Babe?" and I get to tell them we don't make those.
My dog Jan growled at some hip drunk adults outside the music venue by my house and I said "Sorry, she hates nerds."
Once when I went to a concert alone, I stood next to the trash cans the whole time. It was pretty cool because I normally date garbage.