"Fuck it, no one's listening." -me in every social encounter

"Look, you're great I just can't be in a relationship right noowww...until you've boosted my ego enough to go after that other girl!" -Dudes

People have told me I have a "black girl's ass" which is a relief cuz I'm pretty sure it makes up for the fact that I have "white-guy tits"

Hey fellas! Can't wait until all of your hip new girlfriends try to change you!

"I need a man" is what I think whenever I make too much spaghetti.

HEY LONELY DUDES: wearing clothes that fit you properly will help you get the girl, I promise!

Just forget I said everything, ever.

30 years old and I still have to sternly talk myself out of buying every giant novelty pencil I come across.

Second time an old man asked me if I was a dancer and second time I looked away and darkly replied "Sometimes..."

ROBOT VOICE: "You are. An attractive gentleman. With whom I might enjoy...spending. Time with." - me flirting

Fell for another "Deez Nuts" joke again.

All I ever really need is a good hot make-out and maybe some jeans-boner.

Once when I went to a concert alone, I stood next to the trash cans the whole time. It was pretty cool because I normally date garbage.

I feel like it's my birthday any time I'm drunk in a dress.

I'd feel so much better if my heart could throw up.

Politely moved out of the way for some dumb bitch and stepped in a pile of dog shit. Ladies & gentlemen, I have found my metaphor for life.

I wish I was only making some lame joke about how "Life's a beach!" but seriously, a seagull just shit on my face.

"Nothing. She's just, like...sobbing sounds into a towel. What's yours up to tonight?" -my dog Jan on the phone

Don't judge me for waitressing at this age if you're an adult who drinks apple juice.

My adult life thus far can be summed up in a continuous series of "WHOA!!" and "Whoops!"