I'm not retarded, I'm just trying to scratch my back.

When I was a kid I thought sex meant that a boy pees inside of you which I thought was disgusting but I've actually grown to like it

Was fucking around with a forklift I found in a parking lot long story short I think I just built a Walgreens

When guys lie down on their backs their nuts kinda form the shape of a heart and I think that's really neat

Ugh tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

Oh. Oops. Looks like I accidentally set the washing machine on the Twist Yo Shit Up And Tie It In A Knot cycle again.

Customer service people should be required to answer calls with "If there is a problem YO I'LL SOLVE IT."

The worst thing about OJ murdering those people is that it inadvertently led to the Kardashian sisters becoming famous.

Let's each order something different and then we can all share!- Literally the worst people in the world

"Oh my god, you really LIKE this girl!" says one bro to another in every single movie about bros

whenever I'm feeling down I picture a family of sasquatches playing bocce

I keep a wad of cash in a box of tampons because I don't trust the banking system but I do trust that male burglars are terrified of tampons

Wonder how many couples counseling sessions start with one person explaining to the counselor that they just want to tell jokes on Twitter.

"I will never respect you as an equal, but I think about your tits a lot. Here's a diamond ring."-marriage proposal

Moms please remember to wipe down the baby changing table in the restroom after you're done so other gals can cut lines on it

I'm shifting my hatred away from people who fuck up "your" and "you're" toward people who say "could of" instead of "could've." Join me?

If God didn't hate poor people then Coinstar machines wouldn't be so loud.

ending all my emails with "Sent from my iHalo" so people think I got some cool new gadget for christmas that they've never heard of

Fuck it. I've worked hard. I should treat myself!--my rationale for bidding on a pair of stilts on eBay

Bitches who blow the whistle when a congressman is kind enough to send them dick pics really ruin it for the rest of us.