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The last guy to moaterboat me drowned.
The lady in front of me was taking too long to order her extra skinny half-caf moka choka ya-ya. And that's when I shot her, your honor.
Ladies: When firefighters arrive in RL they don't wear what they do in the calanders. Related: I just burned down this Arby's for nothing.
I scream, you scream, we all scream. *puts bra back on*
I tried to get out of a speeding ticket by showing off the goods to the cop.
He gave me a second ticket :(
"This is the LAST STRAW!!" - me, politely informing the manager at Wendy's that there are no more straws
Not sure why Chick-Fil-A is so against gays. I mean, their whole business model is getting people to shove cock down their throat.
My ex-husband wanted me to sit on his face.
His funeral is on Tuesday.
My tits just won a sag award
If you don't consider gravy to be a beverage, we are probably not a "match".
Wait! Hold the phone! Danny DeVito is available?!?! *sprays perfume down there*
Finally hit 30 followers! I'm Twitter elite now, right? Someone get me a mojito.
"He hasn't discovered EVERYTHING yet." - Mrs. Columbus after a few glasses of red wine
It's the day before payday, or as I like to call it, "bouillon cube night".
"That hornet is more afraid of you than you are of it." - lying bastards
Wild rice is just regular rice that likes to get drunk and snort cocaine.
You've heard of Angie's List? Announcing Aunt Sheila's List. A comprehensive directory of pasta recipes and Russian porn.
If there isn't a Japanese restaurant called "Miso Horny", then the terrorists have won.
Trying to get the child-proof cap off of the aspirin after my third margarita is my "drug war".
It's your Aunt Sheila. You look like you gained weight, and you never call.