iPhone wants to autocorrect hahaha to hahahahaha.

Calm down iPhone. It wasn't that funny.

Every time I get a star, I take a drink. It's a fun game that keeps me from drinking.

If the Amish ever get Facebook, they will destroy you at Farmville.

Wow, just walked in from working. I've never seen so many all-caps tweets at once. You'd think there was masturbating bacon on TV.

This is the first tweet from my iPad. Just thought you should know what a douche I am. Carry on.

Arguing politics at dinner. "Liberals hate America!" "Bush was an idiot!" "I put my penis in the ice cream!"

Guess which one was me.

Quit complaining and eat the rest of your Monday. You know there are people in Africa that don't even get Mondays.

Here in rural Alaska #blackfriday refers to that one time a couple years ago when an actual black person passed through town.

I asked my girlfriend to star my tweets.
"We broke up over a year ago, and quit calling."

She's so coy.

My Internet was broken for 24 hours. I might've been a little premature with the gas mask, but I stand by my couch-cushion bomb shelter.

I had high hopes for this tweet, yet here it is laying around on the computer and getting Doritos all over myself.

Whoa, just passed 500 tweets! To commemorate the occasion, nobody in my house gave a shit.

I call mine a Musn'tstach.

A watched baby never boils either.

Do Catholics realize they shit out Jesus' body the next day? Is that where we get the term "Holy shit!"?

I might be interested if it was Facemagazine or Facepamphlet. But book!? Fuck man, I have things to do.

Please, move on to the next tweet.

Is it Palm Sunday yet? Fuck it, I'm starting early. C'mere palm.

If a spirit tree falls in the woods, the Na'vi are all "Waah, our spirit tree!" but nobody listens because it's in 3D and looks awesome.

"Foopish dandy" is one of those insults that's more insulting for the insulter than the insultee. Anyway, stop calling me that.