I hate when joggers nod at each other.

Any dude who doesn't shower with a beer is a huge pussy.

I wish awful people were less confident.

Ladies, not sure if you've heard, but I paid off my 2002 Honda Accord. Had 10 yrs to do it. Did it in 9. Call me.

Don't say "cheers" to me unless you're British, and if you're British, please don't talk to me.

If it takes you over a minute to text me back, JUST FORGET IT!!!

"Oh, look at me. I'm out doing stuff and making the most of my day." - Stupid jerks.

Christianity is the world's longest Telephone Game.

If anyone needs any plastic grocery bags, there are 4,612 under my parents' kitchen sink.

Woke up in a bloody, tattered heap on my floor. Convincing myself I'm a werewolf and not an alcoholic.

Happy 5th birthday to my toothbrush!

Soon, college girls across the country will put this up in their dorm room and believe it makes them intriguing. http://t.co/Da88bPvH

If I die because of Dennis Rodman I’m gonna be pissed.

Goodbye things in my apartment. Have fun coming to life and talking to each other. I'll be back around 6 pm.

In high school, I used to lie to go to parties. Now I lie so I don't have to.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe you should fuck, marry, kill the same person.

They should sell DJ headphones with just one headphone. Or get rid of DJs.

Meant to text a girl "Wanna hang?" Wrote "Wanna gang?" She wrote "Sure." I've got some serious decisions to make.

The Black Keys announce upcoming album: "Songs For Movie Trailers and Commercials."

If your email address involves the SHIFT key, don't expect to hear from me.