Everyone was ugly in 1975.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe you should fuck, marry, kill the same person.

My favorite pastime is watching four cops try to figure something out together.

My floor routine would just be somersaults.

Just heard a woman say: "You bet your Billy. I'm ready-Freddy." Didn't care for that too much.

You see that shirtless guy reading in the middle of the park? That's not me.

I hate when joggers nod at each other.

Help! I haven't fallen and I don't want to get up!

Woke up in a bloody, tattered heap on my floor. Convincing myself I'm a werewolf and not an alcoholic.

It's looking like it's gonna just be the one language for me.

Tuesday is gay Monday. (Was that the right joke structure? Let’s stop with these.)

Anybody have two stamps? Please mail me a stamp.

Am I a genius? No. But, am I very, very smart? No.

My day has been a wobbly table.

I'm now into year 8 of thinking about getting a bike.

Comedy clubs are a great place to meet terrible, unfunny creeps.

"Maybe it's a sign!" "Nope."

It's shaping up to be another No Blowjob Wednesday.

It would be a refreshing change of pace not to think about death every minute of the day.

Alright, everybody, listen up! Tonight... we're doing a flash mob nowhere because we're not huge losers.