Dear Mormons: if you come to my house before 10am to talk about God-I'm coming to yours after 10pm to show you Satan. #thechurchofme

I need a hug, a stiff drink, and a soft smoke...all in that order.

Apparently "being naughty" isn't an appropriate attribute to list when applying for a job. Well, now I know. Fuckers.

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like. You're welcome. #FWB

I just realized how much cleavage I am following...I think maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I need to consider a boob job. #indeed

I'd consider sucking more dick if I could dip it in #ranchdressing

Just decided: there are some bridges that are worth being built just to burn the fuck down...and roast tasty snacks in the flames of course.

Attention Grammar Nazis: please note that on occasion one must sacrifice proper grammar in order to maintain 140 fucking characters.#carryon

I hate him so much I wish I could get pregnant by his seed just so I could give myself an abortion on the floor 90 seconds after I tell him.

Dear Mormons: if you come to my house before 10am to talk about God-I'm coming to yours after 10pm to show you Satan. #thechurchofme

Take away the words: unicorn, rainbows, fuck, probably, punch, slut, pussy, ass, cock, midgets, drunk, drugs-and Twitter ceases to exist.

I don't kiss my mother with this mouth-I kiss yours. #PG-13

All of you fuckers are totally insane...just my type.

Tip: You shouldn't follow me if you can't imagine licking single barrel scotch off my thighs-or myself licking it off yours...

I love reading tweeted vernacular colloquialisms. #wordnerd

I have this urge to make out with a very soft, curvy woman-or hard, smooth, bisexual man. Don't ask.

hymen harvesting...............there is no joke, I just wanted to type that shit out and laugh at myself.

FUCKTARD Pill Lady Neighbor: I swear to everything unholy I will peel you with a swap-meet vegetable peeler if you wake me up again tonight.

@alphabetfiend I want to sit on your lap and open mouth kiss you and/or your breasts...is that a bad thing? #commencestalking

I can always tell when my estrogen to testosterone levels are off again when my use of the words fuck, kill, rape, and abortion are up 80%.