The hardest part of my day is stopping myself from rolling my eyes and making the jerk-off motion when people talk to me.

Remember ladies, if he doesn't want you, some other fucking loser that you're totally not into will.

That one person that makes you feel like a million bucks also has the uncanny ability to make you feel like $1.14 in loose change.

Saying "agree to disagree" really means "I'm right but you're being an asshole & I'm sick of trying to reason with you."

Had to have "the sex talk" with my daughter, she was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers & donkey punches

I don't forgive or forget, I pretend you're dead. It's easier.

I used to be worried about people at work finding my Twitter, until I watched them fuck up trying to send a fax.

Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

The best foreplay is laughter.

I don't need anger management, everyone else needs to man the fuck up.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

If you want to get over your sexual attraction to someone, get to know them.

Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some carrots."

No one tell those 50 Shades of Grey enthusiasts about porn. There'd be a suburban sexual revolution and kids would miss soccer practice.

"Oh, I just got what I wanted. Now I don't want it anymore." - every woman, ever.

I was worried about my son going to a party until I realized he wouldn't know what to do with a girl unless her vagina was a joystick.

Love the one you're with.

The one you want is banging someone hotter than you.

When you say "thanks slut" quickly, it sounds like "thanks a lot" - passive-aggressive me, this morning in the drive-thru.

Not really a lover or a fighter. More of a shrugger and "Where are the chips?" kind of person.

Hoping to get "til death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time-served.