Thank you for the pick @randomm_one I know so much about the Cuban missile crisis now *eye twitch*

Sure sex sells but it's mostly antibiotics for STDs.

@jt_iv_ cool, they're a great band

Thank you so much for the pick @jt_iv_

Nothing say "Happy Birthday" like a Discharge cupcake, have a great one my wonderful friend @mauriceblitz pic.twitter.com/fR44HedG0M

So sick of being at the public pool and some guy's back hair tries to send me secret government messages.

Really enjoying this "I don't care if you live or die, I need a ride to my friend's house" stage my kids are going through.

Having one of those days when I wish someone would drop the mic while I'm in a tub full of water.

The new girl has bangs, now we have to have some kind of awkward "bang-off" in the lunchroom.

I WILL DESTROY

If I message you "I'm not in a good place right now" that means, I'm at the bar and no one is buying me drinks.

Sorry dude, your parents don't count as roommates.

Once I can see right through you, you're basically a ghost to me.

If Jim Morrison had to write a modern version of L.A. Woman, he'd have a hell of a time rhyming words with Botox and yoga.

Thank you for the pick @lvvzz your body pillow is in the mail.

If it takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown, I'm counting being a grumpy bitch face as my workout today.

Guys, I'm here just in case you need someone to explain what a queef is to your 10-year-old.

I'm okay with the idea of you making a life-sized body pillow from my likeness.

When my kids say "I can't wait to grow up" I make them pay one of my bills out of their allowance.

Women rule the world, we're just too tired to formally announce it.

I wasn't allowed to eat during the 43 hours of labour with my son, so quit asking me why his name is Gordita Supreme.