Even when there isn't a lot of people in Wal Mart, there's a "lot of" people in Wal Mart.

100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

A penis doesn't make you a man. A penis and not remembering birthdays makes you a man.

Hugh Hefner is engaged again but they haven't decided whether to tell him or not.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

When I die I want to come back as Microsoft Windows so I can crash and do nothing all day.

I like to walk up to cars that have a "No Fear" sticker and scare the shit out of the pussy driving it.

Six out of three accountants think the other five are wrong.

I try to smile during my orgasm to make the other shoppers more comfortable.

Love is a two way street and this is why everyone gets run over.

I received an email from my sister saying I don't take criticism well. I sent her back a virus in my reply.

Crocs are the fashion equivalent of wearing a visible butt plug.

My favorite time of year is sex.

The person who cancels it will be my American Idol.

Sometimes I hum when masturbating because it helps soothe the nerves of the cashier at the market.

Exercise pants are meant to be worn by people who exercise and not by people who stretch them while standing still.

Some people are really uptight about being peed on from my roof.

Rise above petty disputes by turning them into manslaughter.

I don't have followers on Twitter. Instead, I have co-conspirators.

Your opinion is just as valid and appreciated as anyone else with a stupid, unwanted opinion.