Don't lie to me Sharon! I know you've done anal! I can smell it! *my wife is not impressed with my superhuman abilities*

Jesus tries to take the wheel, but you drive a manual so he has to climb onto your lap to shift.

Ass so fat fucking bounce and cause an earthquake. Nah seriously Chick. Stop. You're scaring the children.

What if the creator of @shrekjokez actually hated shrek?

Getting tired. Gonna look up boobs again

@semenshaman Unfollowed, blocked, reported

Life isn't always about twitter. I mean I'm right, right? There's like white women and stuff out there somewhere.

Ravioli Ravioli give me the dickioli

*enters bar*
I'll have a scotch on the cocks. No wait!
*too late, there's already tiny dicks floating in the drink*
*male bartender winks*

*feels important*
*smiles*
*shuts off President simulator*
*cries*

"Yeah man! This is the life" I say as I lean back in a chair made of dicks

@latenightwcam more like @GayNightwCam

5 teens doing ollies on skateboards. When they reach 666 a pentagram appears in between them and Satan, the god of shredding, kickflips in.

@latenightwcam same but I hit floors 666 420 and 69. And when I land I'm the devil, high, and there's still no one giving me a bit (too fat)

Give me just one minute. I'm talking to my mom*you hear through the phone* 'I said I only bathe in honey barbecue!! Dammit mom!! '

#FF not @latenightwcam he's terrible. But funny

A kissing booth except it's just me sitting in a chair awkwardly making eye contact with the ladies

No bro! There's not a cuddle blankey in my closet! What are you doing?! No seriously just stay away from the closet bro. That's not mine!

Three kids sitting around an Xbox with NBA 2k13, chanting in Latin and making blood sacrifices to ensure their team wins the title.

Tell him!
No
Just do it! I'm not gonna make it!
Ok, Jesus! *gets on radio*
Frank, Zach wanted me to tell you 4:20 blaze it up faggot