Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there.

I do sympathize with Justin though, the paparazzi ruined my 19th birthday too. No wait... that wasn't the paparazzi it was the Viet Cong.

Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.

I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I'm like YO.

People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

Follow your brain. Your heart's a fucking idiot.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Show me on this irreplaceable ecosystem where BP touched you.

I keep selecting "Airplane Mode" but it's still just a fucking phone.

You don't get it, officer. Those people in the trunk were already dead to me.

Please RT this cheat key: YOU'RE an asshole, even YOUR friends say so. THEY'RE even putting it on THEIR blogs, look and you'll see it THERE.

Here's what you do: Write your joke about the horror in Japan on a piece of paper, fold it into sharp corners, then shove it up your ass.

That thing at the end of SNL when one of them has nobody to hug? I feel like that all the time.

"The nonexistent girlfriend of Manti Te'o would still be alive if she had been armed!" -NRA

I was almost 10 years old before there was frosting on Pop-Tarts, so don't cry to me about your petty hardships.

Someday, your prince will come. Way too quickly. Before pulling out. While you're at the very peak of your ovulation cycle.

Try not to let your head grow along with your followers count; humans tend to gather around car wrecks, too.

Pandas are so cute that when they die they're given an awwwtopsy.

40 people were just told that their children are dead.