The problem with my generation is we get drunk and tweet, while older generations got drunk and wrote shit like "The Old Man and the Sea".

Tip to never losing your phone: Become so engrossed with a pointless social networking app, that you never take that bitch out of your hand

You know that feeling when you have sex with a girl and then you want to hang out with her some more after? How do you make that stop? Fire?

Hey ladies, instead of a sandwich after, how about you make me something worthwhile? Like hard again.

I'm sorry maam, your howler monkey isnt allowed inside the store. Whats that? Its your baby? Oh that thing is definitely not allowed in here

You college kids are cute. Drinking isn't a game. It's a god damned career.

Got a nasty message out of the blue from an ex of nearly three years ago. Love may not last forever but hate is the eternal flame my friends

Hey! Inspirational quotes. Go make your own fucking social media site. I want dick jokes and girls pretending to be nerds.

I gave up on "True Love" a long time ago. Now I'm just looking for "Won't Throw a Knife at Me While Arguing".

I used to be able to watch a two hour movie without checking my twitter feed every seven minutes.

Cant figure out where I list "Alcoholic" on my resume. It it before, or after my name?

Women are like Rubick's Cubes. If you can't figure them out, just take off their stickers and have sex with them.

I wish I were born in the 1920's.. so I could go ahead and be dead already. I'm tired.

Relationships are board games I can't win because I got it from some shitty yard sale and it's missing some pieces, and the instructions.

I'd like to think that Gilbert Gottfried narrates Morgan Freeman's inner thoughts.

If twitter is useful for anything, it's learning new names for my Seed Stick and your Baby Jacuzzi.

Tryin to feel special about following someone with 1000s of followers is like being the last guy to run a train on a girl and being romantic

Can someone explain erections to me scientifically? Because as it stands now, in my brain, it's ghosts.

Problem with staying up late and drunk tweeting: My followers are Australian, and dont understand my slang like: "Suck my dick" means, "hi".

You guys, I'm fucking weird, man.