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The best thing about being a girl: Dresses.
They give the illusion of caring when really, you just don't want to wear pants
At what age are they not "just being a kid" and totally being "a flaming asshole"? 5 right? Yeah. I thought so.
"mom, do you know how to work it?"
Oh girlfriend, yes. I KNOW how to work it. Oh, you mean the television. Yeah, I can do that, too.
I shoved too many Mike&Ike's in my face & now I'm drooling an assortment of colors. I bet this is how unicorns who can't fart make rainbows
Dreamt I tried to stop the ZombieApocalypse by yelling: STOP THAT! WE DONT EAT PEOPLE! THATS NOT WHAT FRIENDS DO!
OH THANK GOD MORE BALL SPORTS START TODAY I WAS REALLY WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE SOMETHING SUPER BORING TO TALK ABOUT UNTIL FALL
OH THANK GOD ADELE IS ON THE RADIO ITS BEEN TWO WHOLE RIHANNA SONGS SINCE SHE WAS LAST PLAYED
My "happy face" is my "go fuck yourself face" because it makes me happy when I tell you to go fuck yourself
DoucheBag at seafood counter: is this real fish?
No asshole. It's aquatic cow.
Fools Rush In
If the best part of waking up were truly having Folgers in my cup, I'd never wake up again.
Fact: fries in other people's baskets don't have any fat or calories.
Redneck Neighbor: my boat is 42', has 3 engines & costs $800 to fill up!
What I just heard: my penis is microscopic. Actually...invisible!
Sometimes I get a guilty pang & I wish I didn't think such bitchy thoughts, but most of the time I'm pretty ok with it.
OMG BALLSPORTS GUYS DOING STUFF! SOMETHING GOOD! SOMETHING BAD!
-Everyone on Twitter today
Summertime parenting is my favorite parenting. "hey, wanna go to the pool?" YEAH! "ok!" *boom* parenting DONE
No Assface, I won't come dust your house, too. And if you call me "sweetheart" again I'll kick your fucking teeth in. xoxo
When we drive past a graveyard TheGirl yells "People Garden!"
that's probably the best thing my mother ever taught me
Everybody in my twitter is drunk right now. WHERE WERE YOU PEOPLE THURSDAY?!?