I swapped my wife's tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by his hands. If you look closely you'll see a wedding ring.

Took an ugly girl out for a drink. Back home,we kissed and fondled,she said "I don't have sex on the first date" I said"How about the last?"

Wife texts husband "Windows frozen". Husband texts back, "Pour some warm water over it". Wife texts back "Computer completely fucked now"

Beer goes in. Tweets come out.

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we're thinking.

Why do women wear flowers on their panties? In Loving Memory of all the faces that were buried there.

Some fucking people are about as much use as a white crayon.

Butterflies don't taste like butter. They taste like shit with wings.

I parked in a disabled bay at tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "Hey what's your disability?" I said "Tourettes you cunt, now fuck off!"

If you go through McDonald's drive thru with two dead hookers in the back seat they won't serve you. KFC are cool about it though.

Your morning wood is just your cock telling you it's 100% fully charged.

Before Twitter I used to scribble all this shit on the toilet walls at work.

For the people that don't understand grammar.'You're' is a shortened version of 'You Are'. Here it is in a sentence: You're a thick cunt.

I like my women how I like my chocolate..White, with no nuts

I'd enjoy Twitter more if peoples tweets came with their own theme music.

I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

I've got my fathers cock and my mothers tits.

My followers are better in bed than your followers.

A beer is a lot like a toilet seat.

Nobody likes a warm one.