If only my life were as simple as deciding between cable or satellite.

She draws them in cuz she sucks a mean dick, but being Taylor Swift is what pushes them away.

Sometimes I'm convinced Lana Del Rey is singing to me, especially when I remove her gag in my basement.

I only eat at places that are quinoa-free and gluten-rich

Autocorrect made me stop using apostrophes.

Leaving robots and gag newspapers from 2313 in the rooms with coma patients.

Why do I feel guilty every time I leave a supermarket without buying something? Or when I dissolve a dude in my bathtub?

Can't all those comments that we left for each other on Instagram count as the first three dates?

Currently watching the Fake Madrid beat the crap out of the Real Madrid

Can Ice-T's sister work yet, or does her arm still show tracks? #Colors #colors #colors

You know how squirrels eat food and it starts to make their cute little cheeks bulge out? Just blew a guy w/ a nut sack like that.

I drink my coffee much faster when it's whiskey.

Feeling sorry for The Great Gatsby's brother, Meh He's Okay I Guess Gatsby.

I think my dog is old enough now that I can change his name from Barky Bark to Bark Wahlberg.

My parent's TV is fat.

Watching my new favorite Star Trek spin-off, Keeping Up With the Cardassians! pic.twitter.com/Kz0j8HkJZj

@marcmaron Like I said, @americanair can suck my small skinny tranny cock.

I'd like to apologize to my friends for being MIA lately. I just can't stop singing that fucking Paper Planes song

Is there a way of sending money to Will Smith for allowing us to enjoy his children's acting so much?

Shouldn't the tooth fairy be on some kind of watch list, considering he literally goes around collecting kid's teeth?