It takes fewer muscles to smile than frown, but it takes zero muscles for a blank stare of indifference.

Gay people are the least judgmental people I’ve ever been around. Except when it comes to fashion. The comments about my shirt hurt deep.

If someone actually got out of my dreams and into my car, I'd probably drive off the road, screaming.

Twitter: dispelling the notion that girls aren't funny.

When I picked my dog up from the kennel he had a teardrop tattoo, was wearing a hairnet, and handed me a note that read, “I’m a bottom.”

Biggest tragedy of Michael Jackson's death - we will never know if Annie was okay or not.

If you click the link to the DM "Someone is saying horrible things about you," you find out the message is coming from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

Boss: You’ve been neglecting your work a lot lately.

Me: Fuck off; I’ve got to star these tweets.

At Disneyland, I deep throated a churro in front of Goofy to let him know how he could make my stay truly magical.

During sex, I sound like that guy from the game, shouting orders - " Bop it! Twist it! Pull it! Flick it! Spin it!"

Dear Girls Reading "50 Shades of Grey" - uh, not sure if you are aware, but there is bondage porn all over the net. You're welcome.

Oh GOD! YESSSSSSS!!!!! Oh wow!

Oh shit, did I break it? -The First Man To Ever Masterbate

Faceboook: Trying to fuck people you used to know.
Twitter: Trying to fuck people you never knew existed.

Look, if I did have 99 bottle of beer on the wall and I took one down – be sure as fuck I’m not passing it around. Beer ain’t weed.

I don’t know what a “Holla Back Girl” is, but apparently it involves shitting on bananas.

When you change your AVI, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

Honey, you’re not trying to start a fire – slow down when you stroke it.

Mattel is giving away Bald Barbies to cancer kids. So, when can I expect my free Premature Ejaculation Ken?

There is no excuse for a man that doesn't open the door for a lady. Neither is there one for her if she doesn't say thank you.

Olive Garden breadsticks are brushed with crack, so you won’t give a shit how bad the rest of the meal is.