My finger guns backfired and I just shot myself in the face with awesome.

Sometimes I leave the cap off the toothpaste just to see if my wife really has what it takes to kill a man.

"Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good."
- America

Sadly, it was the similarity in design of lightsabers and vibrators that cost the lives of so many promising female Jedi.

"Luke, I fucked your mom"

- If Darth Vader was on Twitter.

"Well, to tell you the truth, officer, I expected the flux capacitor to kick in before you caught me."

Friends are like condoms.

They will stick close and protect you as much as possible, but once you fill them with semen you need a new one.

If my phone were really a smart phone it would have ended that call before I said 'I told you so' to my wife.

As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.

Twitter: 8 million users, 7 jokes.

Nothing in the world is as clean as the boobs of a woman that has just showered with a guy.

The biggest difference between my wife and a bear is that sometimes, if I play dead, the bear will leave me alone.

Hey baby...

Let's go back to my place until I weird you out with my intimacy issues and start crying awkwardly.

You can touch my beard.

I prefer Twitter friends over real friends because you guys rarely notice when I get bored and walk away while you are still talking.

Sometimes I worry my ADD is getting too bad and other times that chicken is wearing a tutu. That was the best idea ever. I like chocolate.

Calling in to tell work I can't come in today because the floor is made of lava and I can only stay on furniture.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Except food.

Lots and lots of delicious food.

And booze.

Booze and food.

After that, skinny.

Twitter.

Nowhere will you find a greater collection of things you were just about to say...

Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your beer?

Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

There appears to be 5 different categories of Twitter bio:

I'm funny,
I'm slutty,
I'm ordinary,
I'm zany,
and
I'm going to eat your liver.