I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don't. I googled it, it's called cuddling.

Evolution of a tweeter:
1) Follow Celebs
2) Find cool people and unfollow celebs
3) File for divorce

I'll look back embarrassingly on old tweets and think about how stupid and childish I was 2 days ago.

Instead of divorce, how about a marriage license you have to renew every year.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.

A message just popped up on my twitter, "Your account may not be allowed to perform this action." and I slowly put my penis back in my pants

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much.

After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Words I actually said to my wife, "Hold on a sec honey, I gotta starfuck this dude."

I'm a 37 year old "man" and my heart still skips a beat when someone knocks on the door like I have a dead body in here or something.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

My 3 year old is sitting without pants, watching tv, eating a cheese stick and playing with his junk. The student has become the teacher.

Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

Love is tearing the house apart to find your kid's toy that he left in the car.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?